We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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