My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
