capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
