My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
