For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
