I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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