You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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