SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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