One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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