so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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