Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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