I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
as a side note pls kill me
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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