How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
