I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
