Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
