Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
