If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Randomize
