Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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