I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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