Man, jail baloney is awful.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
