every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
