Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
