I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
