Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
