can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
