He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
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