and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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