Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
