I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
