Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
