Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
