so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
