You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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