Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
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