You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
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I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
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Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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