just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
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