Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
