Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
