the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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