Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
