Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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