sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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