Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
