I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
