is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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