The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
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I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
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Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
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