How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
