Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
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Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
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Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
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