You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
