I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
