I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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