I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
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Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
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You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
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