Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
