wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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