I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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