Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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