Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
