so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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