Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
