she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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